it didnt fit the store had size 8's and clips but its alfred sung and I love it so much
dont mind my face
also that was 2 months ago and I was 10lbs more than right now so it will look prettier on me when I wear it next....( my wedding dress )
does anyone find themselves feeling as though they are stronger after therapy?
BUT not in a good way
I come home and I wont eat or I will eat then I will throw up until I cant anymore then I will drink water and throw up again and repeat that like 1 times until I am shaking and sweating and crying and gross and in so much pain I cant move and I sit on my cold bathroom floor for 20 minutes and just breathe...
every fucking time
and I cant help it
I have been running but I dont see that it has made me any beter and healthier... If it wasnt so hot I could run longer I suppose.. I hate the gym I get the worst looks...
I am starting fresh this week.. I am going camping at the end of the week and I am going to be working for the next 7 days straight so thats good.. working helps keep me away from my house which is great.
no more purging!
I am going to be okay and positive and just work on bring happy I suppose...
I want a reason to quit therapy
Best to all of you this beutiful Saturday of Sunshine!
I wish I were one of the people who could let everything slide. But I'm not. I don't hold grudges per say but with my opinionated Scorpio self... I don't know how to put it.. I make for a strange conversation and a muddled mind full of thoughts spinning and ideas and opinions forming...
I caught myself talking to my father yesterday and somehow the conversation veered toward how he was a bad father when I was a child and how he still feels guilty for breaking up the family. And I told him he should not worry about it because we learned how not to parent. It was a low blow and I kind of regret it. I apologized and he said no worries he wasn't mad. But why did I have to say this to him? How cruel was that?
The thing is that I have been making cracks like this for years. Since I was probably 13 and it hit me that my dad left the family and even though I always saw him and he called every day I was mad at him because he wasn't there. I also hated my step mom...
So I am at the point where I am harboring resentment and I know it and I need to find a way to mend that crack in the relationship. He is my dad and a wonderful one at that. I am following him in career path choices, I respect him. he is a brilliant man and was never short of a wonderful father. He and my mom just didn't work out. So where does the resentment even come from?
It comes from the stigma of a broken happy home. As a child I never wanted for anything. I lived in the quintessential perfect family. And he ruined that. So I never let him forget it. Which was a mistake.
Now when I look at my dad and I see him vying for my love and making every effort to make Owen and Jordan feel like family. I see him bend over backwards for my brother. They both still struggle to have a father son relationship. It seems so strained. I see him so stressed out and I sit here right now close to tears and I know that I have the perfect father. Why did I ever doubt it? How many parents have an effortless relationship with their child and how many children have an effortless relationship with a parent? Both my brother and I have the effortless relationship with our mother, but I don't know how it happened.
So I am a sarcastic and harsh person. brutal to the point of resentment. And yet my father still lets the comments slide and it hit me that I don't deserve to have such wonderful parents. Maybe I do and I just don't allow myself to believe so...
And this is what is on my mind today. How do I tell my father that I forgave him a long long time ago. That I love him and respect him and would do anything for him to forget the cutting words I have so vehemently spewed in his direction so many times.
So I am promising myself to make every effort to release the resentment that I shouldn't have anymore. I am promising myself to have a conversation with my dad where I apologize and thank him. I am going to let him know that I appreciate how much he was there for me even when he wasn't there and I will let him know how I appreciate him not being the angry parent at the cheeky kid. I want to tell him that I respect him.
So that is what I will do. And thank you for allowing me to vent..
This is me working on my new self.. My April resolution if you will....
-N
I took an ativan yesterdy and it dod nothing. I didnt relax I kept freaking out. Quietly but that is how I always freak out. I panic and this morning I woke up and my hands have been shaking and Im freaking out inside. I know that this makes no sense because I dont even know why. I just got really angry this morning and now Im just .. I dont know.. hazy maybe?
The weekend was fabulous but coming to work makes me feel all tight chested like Im going to cry and I have lost my patience with customers. I work with fucking slackers and Im angry all the time and I just want to stand up and run down the fucking hallway outside into the cold and light up a smoke and relax turn around hand in my badge and tear ass out of there to my house where I am in my safe place free of retarded coworkers who dont know a keyboard from the hole in their ass.
Fucking mayonnaise.
Customers dont help either. Since when was Lenny from "Of Mice and men" an architect? Why do customers need printers (the big ones) Why do I have to work here. if I was at home I could concentrate on school instead of being too fucking angry and tired when I get home. I HATE MY JOB!!!! Oh Im so angry right now...
I need to breathe... Im not going to cry Im at work other people would see and Im sure they hate their jobs too.
I stopped shaking I needed to get that out.
Anyway this weekend was good. J had his Easter party and I didnt tell his mom about it so she didnt invite her ugly bald self. Even though it would have been funny to show off how she shaved her gross head and I have beautiful long hair.. how she is fat now and Im skinny.. how she cant take care of her child and hasnt for years and how Im the bestest stepmom and more like a real mom than she will ever be. Fuck you if you ever read this! But you wont so thats good... thank goodness... Im too nice to say tihs in real life.. Im just meek when it comes to confrontation. With her.. Strangers Im okay with... she is J's mom and I have to be nice even though she is not a good mother.. She only calls once every few days she thinks he should be with her more often.. He is happy he has a good home. he dosnt even have clothes let alone a bedroom or anything at her house! My parents were split I had a whole wardrobe and a bedroom and my own bed and toys and EVERYTHING!!!!
ARRGGGHHHH
Okay Im done Im sorry about my screaming,,,
And to be quite honest with you, that bothers me to no end.
I wish so much that I could have every minute of every day planned out. I hate when things dont go as planned I am a to the minute person. I prefer to leave and be somewhat early, I cant stand when other people are late. I plan dinner every night and stick to a VERY strict schedule with it all. I know portion sizes for all 3 of us in the house I never have leftovers just enough. I know how I make the beds which shoes go where on the rack how the towels are folded. Children taking towels from the bottom of the rack.. I could SCREAM....
ahh just to get that out
I wish that I knew what i was saying...
Im having a good day and I dont know where to go from here. How do I bein and where do I want to start? It is time to begin my gameplan. I can do this!
Im having a good weekend I think
I would go crazy if it werent for my few friends here keeping me sane.
I went to 7-11 yesterday and the crazy lady with a mustache (which totally freaks me out!) told me I look 16 because I dont look fully grown. WTF! I am 22 and 5'7 how giant should I be?!
Today I am tired and wearing sweat pants and they are HUGE on me and Kate thinks it is HILARIOUS. Im going to the gym after work, I need the exercise I have slacked ALL WEEK and spent the time sleeping. I have had a nap every day and it felt good. Obviously I needed it. I cried yesterday too because Owen called me fat. he was joking and I know that because it was hilarious when I think about it now and it wasnt directly your fat but it was more like "What you dont want a cookie? Yeah because it will make you fat and you are such a huge 100lbs". So sarcastic but I was half asleep and I smoked some pot (so bad!) and I was laying there saying hmm want a cookie? because I dont! then I had the emotional moment. So he brought me a cookie and grabbed my hip bone and said that when he can see it and when I have an alligator back (sticky outie spine and ribs) I can afford one or twenty cookies. He hates it when I cry and I hate it when I cry and it was such a strange thing for me to cry over.
So that is my experience from yesterday.
I made it to 700 calories yesterday. I wanted to buy chips but I didnt! I was proud of me. It was great.
Today after work I am going to the gym... I WILL go to the gym.
I have a plan that today I start fresh. I am buying a daytimer and I will keep all imperative notes in there how liong at the gym how many calories burned how many calories consumed how I feel what I weigh and how much time I spent on homework. I need the dicipline.
Happy Friday! Its the fucking weekend!
ps. I want some toast. right now. with peanutbutter and jam
That is my problem, I need motivation... I need to start breathing and planning and being ok with eveyrthing.
I miss my mom so much and i miss my family and at the same time I value our distance because it lets me be myself...
I need motivation.. I need STRUCTURE...
I have to create this for myself and effing hell, sometimes that is the hardest part.
I have this heart pounding stress that I cause for myself and I just need to get away from it all. I allow others to bother me and I push away people who I dont trust. I allow myself few friends because it is too hard to let people in. To let someone in is to trust someone and to find trust in this world is nearly impossible.
- Mood:
anxious
5'7"
100lbs
15.7bmi
anywhere from 400-800 calories/day
gym every 2 days 1 hour (sometimes 1.5 depending on when I go)
I was okay with it.
I was ready to eat the chocolate bar and accepting of the fact that I needed it finally.
I drank black coffee this morning
I ate some mini wheats (100 calories worth)
I ate a banana and some beets (no more than 100 calories)
But then I did it, I walked up to the vending machine put that money in and bought that hershey bar.
And that is another 200 calories
and Thank freaking GOD I am at work because if I wasnt I would be throwing up right now
Because I am bad for that....
It would be okay if it were rice or oatmeal.
400 calories not much
Im just like that... I suppose
Im tired and stressed out and I have no reason to be I dnot think. I cant wait until the weekend.
Owens family stresses me out.
I want to go home.
- Mood:
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- Mood: blank
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